This is not the post I want to write.
I fully thought I would write that last post, shut my laptop and whirl around like a cheerful-Jesus-sparkle-fairy, clean my house completely, take pictures for proof, and not loose my “give them grace” voice in the process.
Sigh. This. This is what I do.
The Honest Truth:
My house only looks partially better than it did in my last post, which I wrote two weeks before this one. I did pretty good during summer, but once I got sick and school hit, my routine started to crumble and haven’t gotten all the way back on top of it yet. We homeschool so I’m often here all day. I really feel like I should be nailing this by now. I’m not. It doesn’t come easy for me, but I’m giving it effort. That’s the truth. Pray for me.
Why I Have No “After” Photos:
In short: I’m a sinner and people live here.
On being a sinner: Even though I wrote it to you, I didn’t want to pray first. I didn’t want to need to. When it came to actually doing it, I didn’t want God’s input on my plan. I just wanted my house clean so I could feel better about myself and my circumstances. It’s exactly what I wrote about not doing. Only when my anxiety and frustration rose did I submit to prayer. Sitting on the edge of the tub, I finally confessed how I didn’t want to pray at all, repented of the unbelief shown by my actions, and asked God to show me why I was avoiding prayer. It’s astonishing that even when I’m stubborn and foolish, he remains kind and faithful. In full honesty, I avoided prayer because I was mad—angry about the inconvenient and exhausting symptoms I’m dealing with from an endocrine disorder. I’ve not been able to manage them so far and that’s why I had been unwell on the sofa, why I abandoned my routine and let my house fell apart. Sometimes it’s just distraction or laziness, this time it was limits I’m just not in control of.
I couldn’t make myself after the image of my efficient, proficient, respect-worthy idols, and that made me angry and sad.
Like I said; I’m a sinner. I so often fail to embrace the limits of the day God has provided, craving my own sovereignty instead. I try to find peace in controlling or ignoring my environment while running from the only true Peace there is.
I can clean my house without divine assistance; but I can’t seem do it with the right heart toward my tasks or the people I am to serve if I don’t first submit myself and my aims.
On people living here: These people, whom I love, need me not to shut them out of my time and attention while I am trying to catch up on tasks. As a Christian Homemaker, people are NOT an interruption to my work, they ARE my work.
I hope we’re friends because what I’m about to say hurts my heart and I need grace.
I have a sweet spunky three-year-old. When I ask her to bring her feet to me, every now and then, she says, “I’m sorry mama, I can’t. I’m working.” When she plays “mommy” she sometimes tells her babies, “I’m busy right now” and sometimes her babies get sad and cry.
My eleven-year-old just said to me this morning, “Thanks for helping me with this mom, I know you have other things you would rather be doing.” She was trying to teach herself to crochet, and I helped her impatiently because I was working, trying to get ready for my tutoring gig in time to still clean.
A couple days ago my husband noted that I don’t seem to want to make out when he does. He had tried to grab me and make out while I was in what I call, ‘work mode’. I hadn’t gotten the house picked up before he got home so I was guiltily racing around to do it as he arrived. I gave him a quick kiss and wriggled away. My husband wanted to deeply kiss me, to gain my full attention, and I wanted to pick up the bathroom.
I’m so sad to type those words. My sisters, this should not be so. It’s not that I’m keeping house really well at the expense of my relationships either. It’s that I’m spinning my wheels, sporadic as a homemaker, and when I get behind my ideals, I fret and am tempted to choose them over the people in front of my face.
People are more important than things. People are more important than me feeling successful.
These last few days, I’ve been trying to hold my plans more loosely, even though I’m behind, and embrace my family along side my work. The result is that not all my work is done. Some is.
But i made time to help my little one make this lively zoo.
And I helped my not-so-little one learn to crochet and make yarn dolls. This time with all my attention.
I also made love with my husband on his schedule. ♥
In those moments, God’s heart for marriage, family, and home was better displayed by my delaying my tasks and plans in order to love my family with my time and attention, and choosing to do my chores later…like when I was tired and wanted to scroll on my phone or watch television at the end of the day.
I have often worked at the expense of relationship.
I have also often been engaged with relationships at the expense of my other work.
I am praying for wisdom to walk a sanctifying middle-ground where I care for my family and home both, but with presence over perfection.
May your aprons and bibles both be well-worn,
The Remedial Homemaker